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Grimmjow and Sassquiorra review films made by shinigami

As requested by sakuya-neo. :)

There was a filler episode once about the Soul Society film festival. This list is kind of like that, insofar as various shinigami have made their own amateur films. But this time, Grimmjow and Sassy Ulquiorra (Sassquiorra) are going to review them.

1. Hanataro: As Below, Not As Above

It is a documentary film. 

Sassquiorra: I am now much more knowledgeable about the Seireitei’s sewers.

Sassquiorra: I regret that.

Grimmjow: I kept hoping there’d be, like, a monster or something.

Grimmjow: But there wasn’t.

Grimmjow: Unless boredom was the monster?

2. The Squad 2 Ninjas: The Yoruichi Diaries

It’s a “found footage” film.

Grimmjow: Is this whole movie just footage of that Yoruichi doing stuff? What the hell?

Sassquiorra: I’m pretty sure ninjas just pasted together all of the footage they took for Soi Fon.

Grimmjow: The part where she beat up Yammy was fine, I guess. But WAY too much of her eating!

Sassquiorra: The movie was uneven, to be sure. But even a movie like this can have moments of pure brilliance.

Sassquiorra: Like that part where she yelled at Ichigo.

Sassquiorra: Classic.

3. Rose and Kira: Sweeney Gin: The Demon Captain of Soul Society

It’s a musical. 

Sassquiorra: This may have been slightly derivative.

Grimmjow: Of what?

Grimmjow: Personally, I liked watching Gin stab people. It was perfect comedy!

Sassquiorra: It wasn’t supposed to be comedy.

Grimmjow: What

4. Rukia: Watership UP

It’s an animated film about an old bunny that attaches balloons to his hollow and goes on an adventure.

Grimmjow: This movie was so sweet I wanted to punch it in the stomach.

Sassquiorra: It was far too unrealistic for my tastes.

Sassquiorra: Rabbits can’t even talk.

5. Ichigo: A Comedy of Errors

It’s an adaptation of the Shakespeare play, set in Soul Society.

Grimmjow: This film was confusing as shit!

Grimmjow: What the hell was going on?

Sassquiorra: There were two sets of twins.




6. Matsumoto: The Soul Reaper Wears Prada

It’s a film about a shinigami who gets a job in the human fashion industry.

Sassquiorra: I honestly had no idea humans wore so many outfits.

Sassquiorra: I feel so bad about giving the woman just the one.

Sassquiorra: I was such a fool.

Grimmjow: Pull it together, man!

7. Iba: Cowboys Wear Sunglasses

It’s a western.

Grimmjow: Okay, this film was kind of genius.

Grimmjow: I loved the way you couldn’t see the guys’ eyes. That was great.

Grimmjow: Plus it was mostly guys fighting for no reason! Perfect!

Sassquiorra: You are clearly the target demographic. 

8. Hitsugaya: Zombie Power

It’s a zombie film.

Sassquiorra: A film told from the zombie’s perspective is slightly different, I suppose.

Sassquiorra: But this movie suffered from repetition.

Grimmjow: Yeah! It was like the same scene over and over again!

Grimmjow: Like, you’re a zombie! Eat some new people!

9. Yachiru: The Candy Heist

It’s a heist film. About stealing from the Candy Reserve.

Grimmjow: Personally I don’t get why they went through all that trouble plotting when they could have just broken through the walls and taken the damn candy.

Sassquiorra: You may not understand heist movies.

10. Sasakibe: An Image of Power

Grimmjow: By far, the absolute BEST FILM


Sassquiorra: Have you developed the ability to use sarcasm?

Sassquiorra: This film had no plot.

Sassquiorra: No dialogue.

Sassquiorra: It tried to be artsy but failed.

Sassquiorra: It was THREE HOURS of black-and-white, lovingly-filmed footage of what I’m pretty sure were the head captain’s abs.

Grimmjow: Yeah, it was!


Sassquiorra: Your ab obsession is out of control. 

Filed under Bleach Bleachlists Grimmjow Sassquiorra Hanataro Yoruichi Rose Gin Rukia Ichigo Matsumoto Iba Hitsugaya Yachiru Sasakibe

100 notes

Hey Bleach characters, what’s the best way to train someone to get bankai?

As requested by yami-no-ryuu. :)

Lately bankai users have become fairly common in Bleach. But there are still plenty of lieutenants who don’t have bankai yet! It is now time for Bleach characters to give their opinion about how best to train someone to achieve bankai! 

Hiyori: I think Kensei had the right idea, for once!

Hiyori: Just attack ‘em over and over again until they have to either get bankai - or DIE

Kyoraku: Yeah, I agree. Although I prefer to let someone else do the attacking.

Kyoraku: Take your student, stick ‘em in a room with somebody powerful and murderous, and something will happen!

Riruka: Ew. Throwing a bunch of force at someone is no way to train! You have to build up to it!

Riruka: Start with some weak plushies, and THEN go to the strong plushies!

Riruka: You’ll get a bankai or maybe a fullbring!

Byakuya: A bankai cannot be forced.

Byakuya: True bankai training takes decades of dedicated work.

Byakuya: It cannot be achieved in a day.

Ichigo: True stuff!

Ichigo: It takes THREE days!

Byakuya: …please shut up. 

Ichigo: But seriously, I think Urahara’s forced embodiment device worked pretty well.

Urahara: That’s old news, though! A scientist like me is always going for something new!

Urahara: Currently I’m working on a bankai PILL

Byakuya: Please do not.

Aizen: Kuchiki is right. A bankai is a long-term investment.

Aizen: Personally, I think the best bankai users are trained through a regimen that starts before their birth and lasts for their entire lives.

Aizen: Because I’m not lazy.

Aaroniero: Seems like a lot of work. I’d just have my student eat a bankai user.

Aizen: It doesn’t work that way for shinigami.

Aaroniero: It doesn’t?

Hinamori: I don’t think achieving bankai is about how much time or how much force! It’s about the relationship you have with your zanpakuto!

Hinamori: I think I’d teach my student how to talk to their zanpakuto, build up a relationship!

Shinji: Yeah. Definitely you should lock your student in their soul world and let them talk it out.

Hinamori: …I didn’t say anything about locking them in.

Shinji: I’m really better with inner hollows.

Chad: Personally I think kitties make the best teachers. Whatever you are learning. 

Ishida: I don’t know much about achieving bankai, but I think standing in a river for three days is a good start. 

Ginjo: Motivation is the most important thing.

Ginjo: I’ve always found that eye-stabbing and friend-attacking makes a guy REALLY motivated. 

Ryuken: I agree about the motivation. Although I think the best motivation is to try to kill them repeatedly.

Isshin: Motivation? Nah! Just leave ‘em alone and they’ll figure it out somehow!

Isshin: The key is NOT to answer any questions!

Ulquiorra: I think reverse psychology works.

Ulquiorra: I would call my shinigami “trash” until they achieved bankai out of shame. 

Ikkaku: If I had to train someone in bankai, I’d make sure they learned all of the most important stuff!

Ikkaku: Like - don’t tell anyone. Train underground. Never, ever use it.

Yumichika: Ikkaku, this is training to achieve bankai. Not hide it.

Ikkaku: What’s the difference?

Bazz-B: All of your guys’ ideas suck! I prefer the FIVE-FINGER PROGRAM!

Bazz-B: The five-finger program is my fist.

Filed under Bleach Bleachlists Hiyori Kyoraku Riruka Byakuya Ichigo Urahara Aizen Aaroniero Hinamori Shinji Chad Ishida Ginjo Ryuken Isshin Ulquiorra Ikkaku Yumichika Bazz-B

126 notes

If Kenpachi and Unohana were locked in a room…

As requested by anon. :)

[Need more of my "locked in a room" series?]

Kenpachi: So.

Unohana: So.

Kenpachi: Here we are again.

Unohana: Locked in another room.

Kenpachi: This means we fight again, right?

Unohana: Sadly, you made it impossible for us to fight anymore when you, you know, killed me.

Kenpachi: But talking is somehow okay?

Unohana: What? You don’t believe in ghosts? Even though you, a soul reaper, are a ghost?

Kenpachi: Oh yeah.

Kenpachi: Well, fine then. I guess.

Kenpachi: Thanks for, you know, helping me unlock my power.

Kenpachi: Sorry about killing you.

Kenpachi: Not in a guilty way!

Kenpachi: Just - I’m sorry the fight ended. It was fun.

Unohana: It was indeed fun.

Unohana: I have not let my hair down like that for a very long time.

Kenpachi: Yeah, why is that, anyway?

Kenpachi: When I saw you as a kid, you were this cool, fight-loving captain who just went out looking for people to fight!

Kenpachi: When I arrived in Soul Society, you were this…doctor. 

Kenpachi: What happened?

Unohana: Killing became boring.

Unohana: I needed another venue.

Unohana: I had always used my healing sword to make my fights last longer.

Unohana: But it occurred to me that I could put it to another use.

Kenpachi: So you stopped killing just like that?

Unohana: It was a process.

Unohana: There is a reason the head captain never let me go to battlefields.

Unohana: And I reason I avoided you.

Unohana: I knew that if I ever had a taste of killing again, I’d never stop.

Kenpachi: And that would be bad because…?

Unohana: Because I was the Captain of Squad 4. A healer. That was the choice I made.

Kenpachi: I just don’t get that at all! I don’t think I’ll ever give up  Squad 11!

Kenpachi: Not until Ichigo kills me for it!


Unohana: That is your plan?

Kenpachi: I don’t exactly make plans. But it feels like something that will happen.

Kenpachi: And I’d be cool with it.

Kenpachi: A fight to the death with Ichigo is the dream.

Unohana: You must be very jealous of that Ulquiorra espada.

Kenpachi: You have no idea!


Unohana: We never talked about the fact that you named a child after me.

Kenpachi: Yeah, well, it’s not like I knew a whole lot of female names.

Kenpachi: I hope you don’t mind.

Unohana:  I do not.

Unohana: Yachiru seems like an excellent person to bear my name.

Kenpachi: She is, yeah. 


Kenpachi: I told Isane, you know. That you’re dead.

Unohana: How did she take it?

Unohana: Angry, I hope?

Kenpachi: Yeah, definitely angry.

Kenpachi: I told her she could always kill me if she wanted.

Unohana: Generous of you.

Kenpachi: Yeah, well, there’s not much else you can say to the lieutenant of the woman you killed.

Unohana: I have great faith in Isane. I hope she will rise to the occasion. 

Unohana: Maybe release her zanpakuto.

Kenpachi: Hey. Releases can’t be rushed.

Unohana: I revealed mine in the first arc.

Kenpachi: N-no disrespect meant!

Kenpachi: I mean, because I do respect you.

Kenpachi: Admire you, even.

Kenpachi: I hope I’m allowed to say that now that we’re not fighting.


Unohana: I can let it go.

Filed under Bleach Bleachlists Unohana Kenpachi Zaraki Kenpachi Retsu Unohana

116 notes

Top 10 reasons to STILL believe that Kyoraku is Aizen

Kyoraku being Aizen feature requested by berelyn. :) And also fuck-this-i-am-god and anon. ;)

For a little while, this was a highly popular theory: that Aizen had secretly broken out of jail and was masquerading as Kyoraku, using his shikai to make him look like the head captain. But then we found out that that one panel in which Kyoraku didn’t have his eye patch was actually an error that Tite Kubo has since fixed. And then this theory sort of died. But I’m going to bring it back! Because I can! And because it was requested! So here are some reasons why you should STILL be suspicious of the “new head captain” “Kyoraku.”

#10: It’s possible

Nobody doubts that Aizen can escape from prison whenever he wants - and we know that he can make himself look like other members of the Gotei-13. So there’s no reason that Kyoraku *couldn’t* be Aizen. It’s not like he and Ichigo have been in the same room lately.

Hitsugaya: We really should have Ichigo check everyone.

Kira: Assuming Aizen didn’t secretly show him his shikai during their fight.

Ukitake: Hang on, though! Squad 0 saw Kyoraku! They didn’t start screaming! And they haven’t seen Aizen’s shikai…have they?

Shinji: Never easy to be sure, with Aizen. 

#9: People with eye patches always have secrets

It is a well-established fact that eye patches come with secrets. Kenpachi’s eye patch was symbolic of his whole “suppressing his real power” deal. Nnoitra’s hid his skull hole. So maybe Kyoraku’s eye patch is a subliminal message that he has something to hide.

Nanao: …like his injured eye? 

Giriko: Also didn’t you forget about me?

#8: Aizen enjoys messing with Central-46.

We’re assuming here that Aizen became Kyoraku sometime before Kyoraku’s appointment as head captain. Why? Well, for one thing, Aizen’s hobby is messing with Central-46. Last time he murdered them and then pretended to be them, which I guess is slightly more than messing with them. Anyway, what better way to continue “pranking” Central-46 than to trick them into appointing him head captain? What a hilarious joke!

"Kyoraku": A hilarious joke…followed by MURDER!

Representative 37: Maybe we should lock our doors.

Representative 15: Somebody hold me?

#7: And also with Ichigo’s friends.

What else does Aizen like to do? Mess with Ichigo’s friends. Remember when he chased Tatsuki, Keigo, and Mizuiro around for reasons that can only be described as “just because”? Well, compare that to “Kyoraku’s” little trip to the human world, where he told Ichigo’s friends that Ichigo would probably be trapped in Soul Society forever and they should prepare their goodbyes. You know, because they, um, needed to know that for some reason? Yeah, that’s exactly the sort of thing Aizen would do.

Keigo: T-these Soul Society passes…


Mizuiro: I hope so. I have great new bomb ideas.

Tatsuki: So is Ichigo going to be fine, or…?

#6: Aizen loves to power people up.

Aizen also enjoys powering people up. He played with Ichigo for a while, and now, apparently, he’s moved on to Kenpachi. Putting Kenpachi into an arena to unlock his power, even though that kills another captain? That seemed like such a stone-cold move for Kyoraku. But it’s par for the course for Aizen.

Kenpachi: Fingers crossed that he’s powering me up to fight Ichigo.

Yumichika: i don’t think you’re supposed to be on board with this, captain.

#5: Aizen has it out for Unohana.

Oh, and as for Unohana being killed? That sounds like Aizen too. Remember when she was the only captain who noticed something was wrong with Aizen’s “dead body”? Yeah. Aizen doesn’t forget.

Unohana: Murder seems extreme.

Halibel: Aizen doesn’t know how else to interact with women.


#4: “Kyoraku” asked for 2 lieutenants…and having 2 subordinates is Aizen’s thing

Aizen sure loved his two followers, Tosen and Gin. Loved having them, at least. I think it was the symmetry of having a guy on either side. So naturally, when he became head captain, “Kyoraku” demanded two lieutenants. Because once you’ve had two, you can’t go back. 

Kensei: I thought the head captain was just copying me.

Mashiro: Why would anyone do that though?

#3: “Forgetting” the eye patch may have been Tite Kubo’s subconscious breaking through

As for Tite Kubo “forgetting” Kyoraku’s eye patch….well maybe he didn’t “forget.” Maybe, subconsciously, Tite Kubo is really excited about this reveal and that caused him to draw Kyoraku without his eye patch, giving away the secret. Then he pretended that it was just a tiny error. One that means nothing. 

Yumichika: Like when he keeps forgetting my new hair.

Ikkaku: So you don’t keep changing it in the middle of battle then?

#2: This picture.

Is that a hair lock I see?

Hitsugaya: NOOOOOOOO

Shinji: Aizen should really get that trimmed.

#1: “Kyoraku” offered Haschwalth tea.

Finally, there’s the fact that “Kyoraku” offered Haschwalth tea. Tea. I mean, that’s like a giant blinking sign that screams I AM AIZEN.

Yamamoto: Maybe he was just trying to emulate me.

Sasakibe: You never offered the Quincy tea, sir.

Yamamoto: But I might have.

Filed under Bleach Bleachlists Aizen Kyoraku

42 notes


Guys, listen, I gotta be honest……I’m not going to be picking the shipping questions for Orihime. I almost never take shipping questions anyway, but this time I’m getting so many that I thought I should say something.

Here’s the thing. When I get 20 questions that are all variations on “Do you like ____?” that leaves me with a couple of undesirable options. I could make a whole post that’s just Orihime choosing between different boys, but that seems boring. I could address the most popular ships, but I do plenty with them as it is. I could just do my fav ships, but then it would just be all RukiHime.

I think it’s better to do none of the shipping questions if I’m not gonna do all of them. So let’s get some more questions that aren’t about Orihime giving her opinions of boys! She’s got cool powers, she’s been on tons of adventures, she has great friendships and perspectives - some more on those things perhaps? Instead of questions about shipping or about physical appearance, which I am disinclined to take. 


~Your friendly BLG

79 notes

Flavors of Kira

As requested by our-flame-never-goes-out. :) And also anon. ;)

It’s time for another flavors list! Here are a few of the flavors of Kira that you might encounter in Bleach!

1. Optimistic Kira

Let us never forget that when Kira was a student, he smiled and made good friends and worked hard and believed in himself. Even while visiting his parents’ grave, he glowed with the knowledge that life was going to be okay. Because after all, he hadn’t yet met Gin.

2. Self-confident Kira

I love the moment when Kira, as a student, theorizes that he’s probably better than Hisagi because even though Hisagi is a prodigy, Kira’s scores are a little better. I love the fact that Kira looked at that cool, tattooed, older prodigy and went, “Yeah, he’s cool. But I’m pretty sure I’m cooler.”

3. Emotionally Shattered Kira

Then there’s the post-Gin Kira. He’s a bit less cheerful, and sometimes, he’s a shattered emotional wreck. Like when he was in prison for attacking Hinamori. The guilt of attacking his friend - even to protect his captain - was clearly eating him alive. He sat on the floor, arms around himself, unable to stop repeating what a terrible person he was. 

4. Protective Kira

Kira is a very loyal guy, to his captain and to his friends. This means he often finds himself protecting them. He protected Gin from Hinamori, of course. Helped protect Hisagi from that giant hollow when they were students. Later, he helps protect Hinamori from that weird arm monster in fake Karakura Town. It’s something he does a lot.

5. Lecturing Kira

I’m not sure “lecturing” is the right word. But I’ve always been struck by how extensively Kira explains his power to basically everyone he fights. He explains how it doubles and redoubles the weight. Then he gives examples. Does the math. He just really wants to make sure his opponent understands. And that’s not just something he does with his zanpakuto. He once explained the meaning of his squad flower to Abirama. Just because, I guess.

6. Healing Kira

I am fascinated by this Kira. When Hinamori and Matsumoto become gravely wounded in fake Karakura Town, Hisagi tells Kira to heal them since, after all, Kira is ex-Squad 4. And Kira does start to heal them. But what is this mysterious Squad 4 past? Why did Kira act so surprised and/or ashamed that Hisagi mentioned it? Why does Kira hide his healing abilities? So many questions about healing Kira.

7. In-Need-Of-Healing Kira

Because how could I not mention Kira in his current state, with his lack of a torso?

8. Apologetic Kira

One of my favorite Kira moments is when he goes in person to apologize to Matsumoto. It’s a sweet moment, both because Kira actually went to apologize, and because Matsumoto so willingly accepted it. From what I’ve heard, Kira also apologizes to Rukia in the novel. It’s a thing that he does.

9. Crafty Kira

Kira is a thoughtful fighter. During his fight with Abirama, he spends a lot of time dodging, running, and just trying to figure out what method he can use against his opponent. 

10. Creepy Kira

Then there was the moment when Kira drove an opponent to his knees and then BEHEADED HIM. Kira may be adorable, but he is also one CREEPY AS SHIT guy.

Filed under Bleach Bleachlists Kira Izuru Kira

132 notes

What game show they would host

Author’s choice list. :)

If Bleach characters had to get a job hosting a real game show, and if the producers figured that hiring a violent probably dead character was a good idea, which show would each of them host?

1. As Nodt: Fear Factor

The only problem is that there’s usually no winner, because ALL the contestants drop out. Crying.

2. Ryuken: Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader? 

If the answer is “no,” Ryuken will ensure that you feel the full brunt of the humiliation. Using his voice.

3. Rukia: The Price Is Right

She’s well-known for putting “creative” or “unusual” things into the showcases. But really she just thinks tiny lamps, stuffed bunnies, and juice boxes DESERVE to be showcased. 

4. Giriko: A Minute To Win It

In his resume, he explained that he was very good at controlling time. 

5. Ishida: Jeopardy

He doesn’t even need the earpiece. He just knows all of the answers.

6. Ikkaku: Wheel of Fortune

If asked, he will do his lucky dance to help with the spins. And sometimes if you don’t ask. His cohost, Yumichika, just watches in silent amusement.

7. Hinamori: Mantracker 

[….you’ve probably not heard of Mantracker. You should look it up on youtube, because it’s a Canadian game show in which contestants try to escape through the wilderness while Mantracker tries to find them.] 

Hinamori chases after the contestants with all of the doggedness with which she once hunted down Hitsugaya. Sometimes she spreads nets. Contestants almost never escape.

8. Urahara: The Crystal Maze [youtube again, if you don’t know it]

He quite enjoys making the contestants do a variety of silly tasks under enormous pressure, and he brings just the right mix of “smarmy” and “sarcastic” to the role.

9. Lisa: Family Feud

Unlike Steve Harvey, Lisa is never shocked by what the contestants say. She is, though, occasionally disappointed that the answers aren’t as interesting as the ones she would give.

10. Gin: Wipe Out

Mostly he just enjoys making comments while people fail spectacularly. His catchphrase is “bye-bye!”

11. Omaeda: Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?

No matter what the producers say, he refuses to stop adding “like me” to the end of the question.

12. Ukitake: Legends of the Hidden Temple

He just wanted a job working with kids, even kids who can’t put together a three-piece monkey. 

13. Kyoraku: American Gladiators

He explained that he had experience putting people in a room to fight to the death. But that he was willing to drop the “death” part.

14. Riruka: Let’s Make A Deal

In her version of the show, the contestants get to choose from a variety of SUPER ADORABLE boxes and/or doors.

15. Ulquiorra: Cash Cab

He’s good at the whole “grabbing people off the street and subjecting them to intense unexpected questions” thing. He used Orihime as a reference.

Filed under Bleach Bleachlists As Nodt Ryuken Rukia Giriko Ishida Ikkaku Hinamori Urahara Lisa Gin Omaeda Ukitake Kyoraku Riruka Ulquiorra

117 notes

Bleach characters, Katagiri has been resurrected! What is your reaction?

As requested by thefanwhowaited. :)

Ishida’s mom, Katagiri, has come back to life! Everybody, your reactions?

Ishida: My mother…is alive?

Ishida: So I joined the Quincy army and threw away my life for nothing?


Ichigo: See? THIS is why you don’t join the evil army of evil, man!

Chad: Uh…

Ichigo: This is one of the reasons why!

Ryuken: Kanae….on a scale of 1 to 10 how mad are you that I let our son join the Quincy army?


(ghost) Masaki: I’m so happy for you, Kanae!

(ghost) Masaki: But, um, if you want to tell me how you did it…

Yhwach: So THAT’S why I’ve had such bad indigestion.

Bazz-B: Another member of the Ishida family, huh?

Bazz-B: I’m gonna be really mad if Yhwach makes her his queen or something!!!

Yuzu: D-do you think our mom will come back?

Karin: Don’t get your hopes up, Yuzu.

Yuzu: I think dad believes it!

Yuzu: Just look at him!

Karin: But he always cries over Mom’s poster like that.

Candice: Another dead Quincy resurrected, huh?

Candice: SERIOUSLY, Giselle, give it a rest already!

Giselle: It wasn’t me!

Kyoraku: Uh, Kurotsuchi? You reviving dead Quincy?

Kurotsuchi: Do I seem like a boring person to you?

Shinji: Might have been Orihime! She can do anything!

Orihime: Um I’m not in the habit of reviving people’s long-dead mothers.

Orihime: Seems…creepy? 

Haschwalth: Enough, all of you. The reason for this event is clear.

Haschwalth: Ishida Uryu’s plans always go awry.

Haschwalth: When he challenged Kurosaki Ichigo to a duel to prove his power, Kurosaki got powerd up. When he went to Soul Society to fight shinigami, he lost his powers. When he bragged about being the last Quincy, he wasn’t. At all. 

Haschwalth: As soon as Uryu Ishida joined the Quincy to avenge his mother’s death, his mother was bound to come back alive.

Haschwalth: Ishida’s plans are so bad they warp the universe.

Yhwach: If you’re mad that I made him the heir, just say so.


Haschwalth: I might be a little mad.

Filed under Bleach Bleachlists katagiri kanae katagiri Ishida Ichigo Chad Ryuken Masaki Yhwach Bazz-B Yuzu Karin Candice Giselle Kurotsuchi Shinji Orihime Haschwalth