As requested by anon. :)

Sometimes soul reapers come to the world of the living. And when they do, they usually have to find a place to stay. And Urahara, it seems, has a spare room - or at least, Renji always seems to be staying with him (perhaps he lives in the basement). So let’s just find out from Urahara who he would or wouldn’t allow to stay at his shop! So, Urahara, how about…

1. Renji?

“Of course Abarai can stay with me! He is a splendid guest. By which I mean - he does all the chores I ask of him. And complains very little. He’s like an employee I don’t have to pay!”

Renji: …I’m your slave?

Urahara: Now, now, Abarai. Let’s not try to put a label on what we have together.

Renji: …

Renji: Eh. Free room.

2. Yoruichi?

“Like you even have to ask! I would never turn down my best friend!”

Yoruichi: And I don’t have to do random chores like SOME people!

Renji: Shut up! It’s not my fault I don’t have boobs!

3. Kurotsuchi?

“Well…I hate to say no to an old, um, friend. But I have a feeling he would mess with all of my experiments and/or steal them.”

Kurotsuchi: Tch. Like I’d need to steal from a guy like you, Urahara Kisuke.

Urahara: And how IS my lab, these days?

Kurotsuchi: That wasn’t stealing. That was promotion.

4. Soi Fon?

“Of course she can stay with me! We’re old friends!”

Soi Fon: I wouldn’t WANT to stay with you, you behatted imbecile!

Urahara: It’s sweet of you to worry about putting me out, but I really do have room!

Soi Fon:I HATE YOU SO MUCH

5. Chad?

“If Sado stayed with us, I bet we could get ALL of the inventory reshelved and that giant trunk in the backyard uprooted! It’s too bad he has his own home, really.”

Chad: It is always possible that I will be in Hueco Mundo for so long that I will get evicted.

Chad: Stay positive.

6. Rukia?

“I do feel that I owe her a bit, given all of the trouble I caused her. If staying with me could wipe our slate clean, then I would certainly allow it!”

Rukia: Wipe our slate clean? Are you serious?

Rukia: Unless you have the Cadillac of closets, I don’t really see that happening.

Urahara: The Cadillac of closets?

Rukia: IT’S A THING!

7. Shinji?

“Of course! Shinji and I are always helping each other out! He gave me some advice when I was a newbie captain. And I saved his life and kept him from turning into a hollow and helped him make a new life for himself and his friends.”

Shinji: So what? You’re saying you’re winning?

Urahara: I’m saying you’re gonna be doing SO MUCH sweeping.

Shinji: [sighs]

8. Hiyori?

“Um, well, I suppose. Maybe. If we can set up some house rules about no kicking. Maybe?”

Hiyori: In your dreams!

Urahara: [sighs]

9. Hachigen?

“Any friend of Tessai’s is a friend of mine! I won’t even make him do menial chores!”

Hachigen: Really? Despite the whole ‘kido box’ incident?

Urahara: …so you’re saying you DON’T want to sleep in a kido box? It was very comfy!

10. Aizen?

“That depends. Is he in his bondage chair?”

Aizen: Are you hoping I will be?

Urahara: It would make you MUCH easier to take care of. Just water once a day and turn toward the light!

Aizen: …I’m not a plant.

Urahara: That’s exactly what a plant would say!

Aizen: …

Aizen: NO IT ISN’T

As requested by anon. :)

Bleach characters, I believe you know the drill! Byakuya and Orihime are, it seems, a couple - how do you respond?

Ichigo: This seems…weird. Given that Inoue is a human. And she and Byakuya haven’t exactly, you know…met.

Byakuya: That is incorrect, Kurosaki Ichigo.

Byakuya: When I was lying in bed injured after my sister’s near-execution, the human Inoue Orihime suddenly appeared in my window like the sun emerging from behind a cloud.

Ichigo: …you mean the time that I also climbed up to your window and started shouting for Renji so loudly that your hair blew sideways?

Byakuya: …

Byakuya: Yes but I prefer to filter you out.

Ichigo: Well I’m sorry but it still seems weird to me.

Chad: Are you serious, Ichigo? If Byakuya didn’t like Inoue, then why did he come to Hueco Mundo to help rescue her?

Rukia: Inoue is the best woman I know, Ichigo. And Nii-sama is, of course, the best man I know. How could they not end up together?

Renji: You know the captain has a thing for peasants, Ichigo. You know that.

Ichigo: GUYS I’M PRETTY SURE THIS SHIP IS WEIRD

Tatsuki: I’ll agree with you there, Ichigo!

Tatsuki: Orihime are you really dating a dead guy?

Orihime: He’s not really dead. He’s just never been alive!

Orihime: Plus he’s sexy and noble! And he likes weird snacks!

Tatsuki: Huh. I guess this does make sense then.

Ichigo: IT DOES NOT

Mizuiro: The princess and the noble does have a nice ring to it.

Keigo: Yes but how weird are the snacks that this guy eats?

Orihime: He makes cookies based off of his favorite stuffed animal, which is a seaweed admiral?

Keigo: That’s pretty weird.

Orihime: I know!

Ishida: So this is what happen when I leave the group for five minutes, huh?

Ichigo: Finally! Someone who will agree with me that this ship is weird!

Ishida: On the contrary, Kurosaki. I am just angry that I didn’t see this coming sooner.

Ichigo: …

Ishida: After all, Inoue is a goddess of perfection. And Kuchiki Byakuya has opinions about bananas. Of course this happened!

Ichigo: …

Ichigo: WHAT IS HAPPENING

As requested by anon. :)

Last week Urahara’s hat and Kyoraku’s hat fought about which of them is the best. It made sense in context (note: it didn’t make sense in context). Be that as it may, it is now time for EVERYONE’S most prominent accessory to argue about why it is the best accessory!

…this may get weird.

Aizen’s glasses: I am clearly the best. Not only did I belong to the best shinigami, but I fooled you all into thinking he was harmless. His entire disguise and plan rested on me.

Shinji’s tongue ring: And he repaid you by…what? Crushing you into dust and scattering you to the wind, I do believe!

Aizen’s glasses: At least I had a purpose! What do you do, exactly?

Shinji’s tongue ring: I make my owner look fiiiiine! Something I’m damn good at, I might add!

Yumichika’s face feathers: Please. You make him look vulgar. Me? I make my owner look refined and beautiful.

Kenpachi’s hair bells: Refined? Vulgar? Beautiful? Who gives a shit? None of that matters. I make my guy’s fights more fun. Now THAT matters!

Unohana’s braid: At least until he ditched you.

Kenpachi’s hair bells: He outgrew me! No shame in that.

Unohana’s braid: Oh, there’s shame. You will notice that MY owner didn’t ditch me because of some time skip.

Yamamoto’s beard: Word.

Yachiru’s hair clip: My owner STARTED wearing me after the time skip! I’m new and hip!

Byakuya’s hair pieces: Neither of those things is good.

Byakuya’s hair pieces: It is venerable tradition and lack of change that matters.

Yoruichi’s tail: Did you lose weight, hair pieces? You seem thinner than you were before the time skip.

Byakuya’s hair pieces: Shut up.

Yoruichi’s tail: Personally, I think the best accessory is one that’s a part of you! My owner and I will never be separated.

Ichigo’s hair: Although sometimes you do seem a little…bent out of shape.

Yoruichi’s tail: WE SWORE WE WOULD NEVER SPEAK OF THAT

Ichigo’s hair: I’m just gonna throw out there that color is super important, for an accessory.

Renji’s tattoos: Too bad you went with that one, then.

Ichigo’s hair: Hey!

Renji’s tattoos: I mean, personally I think it’s better to make your owner look cool and dangerous. Rather than making him look like Mr. Macaroni Head.

Hisagi’s tattoo: Tattoos can be overdone, though. Personally I think one strikingly memorable tat is better than just a lot of them. Everywhere.

Kensei’s tattoo: And size matters.

Matsumoto’s boobs: Fuck yeah!

Orihime’s hair clip: I’m sorry. You all seem great ‘n’ all, but you’re just cosmetic. How ‘bout an accessory that contains actual magical powers? Like, say, me?

Aizen’s glasses: I contain power.

Orihime’s hair clip: No, glasses, you don’t. Move along.

Ishida’s Quincy cross: Well. If we’re talking powers then may I just point out that I have power of my own AND I have attack capabilities! Unlike you.

Orihime’s hair clip: Um…I have the godlike power to undo phenomena. And also I’m a bitchin’ hair clip. And I don’t DESTROY SOULS.

Ishida’s Quincy cross: …can you stop hurting me now?

Orhime’s hair clip: Yeah I think I have this one in the bag.

Aizen’s glasses: I-

Orihime’s hair clip: NOBODY CARES, GLASSES!

Ichigo’s hair: …

Ichigo’s hair: I am SO turned on right now.

As requested by music-quotes. :)

Let’s say that all of the Harry Potter characters have died, and that by some weird twist of crossover fate, they have ended up in Soul Society. Oh, and they’re all becoming Soul Reapers. Because yes. So, what squad would each of them end up in?

1. Harry: Squad 11

Not only is Squad 11 full of over-powered characters, but they would be totally cool with Harry constantly sneaking off to do is own thing and break the rules. Because as long as he’s fighting bad guys, Kenpachi would be totally cool with whatever he does.

Kenpachi: But why is your zanpakuto a tiny piece of wood?

Harry: It’s not a zanpakuto. It’s a wand. It’s magic.

Kenpachi: …you brought a kido sword to a Squad 11 fight?

2. Hermione: Squad 8

Mainly because I think she and Nanao would get along really well. Maybe together they could get Kyoraku to work! But I doubt it.

Nanao: And you must join the Women’s Soul Reaper Association!

Hermione: Definitely! I love clubs! Does it have a cool acronym for the name?

Nanao: Um…does WSRA count as cool?

Hermione: …we’ll work on it.

3. Ron: Squad 6

As a member of wizard nobility (you know, pure blood), Ron would suit Byakuya’s standards, and as a poor guy from the middle of nowhere, he’d have something in common with Renji too. Plus Squad 6 is always involved in the story’s main action, so Ron could still be a main character.

Ron: It’s a little sad that Hermione, Harry and I aren’t together any more! Is there much fraternizing between the squads?

Renji: If there’s some kind of big fight or rescue attempt going on, then yeah.

Renji: So that’s basically all the time.

4. Dumbledore: Squad 5

From Aizen to Shinji to Hinamori, Squad 5 is full of doofy and/or harmless looking people who are secretly powerful and/or full of rage. Dumbledore, everyone’s favorite looks-like-a-harmless-old-guy-but-happens-to-be-the-most-powerful-wizard-ever, would fit in well.

Shinji: And if you’re kinda tricky that’s good too.

Dumbledore: Tricky? I’m an old man eating Bertie Bott’s Every-Flavored Beans. Do I look tricky?

Shinji: …

Shinji: So there’s this shopkeeper friend of mind I think you should meet.

5. Luna: Squad 9

If Kensei could handle Mashiro, he should be able to handle Luna.

Kensei: DO I JUST ATTRACT STRANGE WOMEN?!

Luna: Strange is good, you know.

Mashiro: WHO ARE YOU CALLING STRANGE?!

Hisagi: …sometimes I miss Tosen.

6. Snape: Squad 3

Snape has the perfect mix of secrecy, cruelty, and sadness to be in Squad 3. Plus he and Gin have…similar back stories.

Kira: Cruel? I wouldn’t say I’m cruel. Is it because I beheaded someone? Because that was ONE TIME.

Snape: …

Snape: And you guys are the good guys?

7. McGonagall: Squad 2

Once Soi Fon learned that there was a new soul reaper who could turn into a cat, she would snatch her up. Then there would be…problems.

McGonagall: Attacking someone from behind? What are we, Death Eaters? Five points from Squad 2!

Soi Fon: THERE’S NO POINT SYSTEM!

8. Voldemort: Squad 12

Voldemort has made a lot of body modifications. Kurotsuchi would be into that. Plus, Squad 12 isn’t a judgmental place.

Akon: So you spent some time as the back of somebody else’s head?

Voldemort: Yeah pretty much.

Akon: Huh. I grew horns once.

Voldemort: …not really equivalent.

9. Ginny: Squad 13

Squad 13 is a pleasant place. I just think Ginny would like it there.

Rukia: Plus we also get to be involved in most of the main action. Or at least I do.

Rukia: We already have a red-haired girl who’s into the main character, but you can come too if you want!

Ginny: Thanks?

10. Neville: Squad 4

He likes herbs, which is basically healing. Plus I think Unohana would appreciate the secret rage and bad-assery that is latent in Neville.

Unohana: You beheaded a snake once while covered in blood?

Neville: Um…yeah?

Unohana: Reminds me of my days as a young soul reaper.

Neville: You killed snakes?

Unohana: …I’m going to go with ‘yes.’

11. Dobby: Squad 4

Whereas Dobby would be in Squad 4 because of the whole “they do the things nobody else wants to do” aspect.

Hanataro: And next I’ll show you how to clean the sewers!

Dobby: …Dobby’s gonna need another sock.

12. Sirius Black: Squad 7

Sirius can turn into a dog. I think that would appeal to Komamura.

Komamura: I also sense that beneath your rough exterior, lies the heart of a man who cares deeply and is a little cuddly.

Sirius: Cuddly?

Komamura: Fear not - your secret is safe with me.

13. Lupin: Squad 3

Lupin can also turn into a canine. But I think his sadness is too overpowering to put him anywhere but Squad 3.

Kira: Hello and welcome to the Squad of Despair.

Rose: Kira, I told you to stop introducing it that way!!

Lupin: I died in the final climactic battle, along with my wife. I didn’t even get a death scene.

Kira: You will do well here.

14. Cedric: Squad 10

Cedric is good at everything. Hitsugaya would snatch that up so fast.

Hitsugaya: What’s this?

Cedric: My report, captain.

Hitsugaya: It’s not due until tomorrow.

Cedric: I know. I finished it early.

Hitsugaya: LET ME LOVE YOU

15. Draco: Squad 6

Draco would demand to be put in a noble squad. And Byakuya is the noblest captain there is. Draco might be less pleased about the lieutenant though.

Renji: Why? What’s wrong with me?

Draco: W-

Byakuya: Answer that with anything other than “Nothing, sir,” and you will be sweeping cookie crumbs from my mansion for the next five years.

Draco: …

Draco: Not the best start.

16. Bellatrix: Squad 11

Crazy and loves fighting? Yes and yes!

Bellatrix: So I heard our captain tries to LIMIT his own power? What’s the deal with that? Seems weird.

Ikkaku: Oh no you didn’t!

Yumichika: You’re just embarrassing yourself, newbie.

Bellatrix: …

Bellatrix: Oh just give me something to kill.

17. Percy: Squad 1

Because Percy would want to go straight for the top.

Sasakibe: There’s no advancement, you know.

Sasakibe: In Squad 1 you will most likely be whatever seat you are right now…forever.

Percy: Unless both of you die?

Sasakibe: …

Sasakibe: Don’t be that guy.

18. Fred & George: Squad 13

Because twins? Ukitake would be all over that! Also I think Ukitake would like Fred and George’s jokes.

Ukitake: You want to open a joke shop here in Soul Society?

Fred: Pretty much, yeah.

George: Is that a problem?

Ukitake: Sounds like a great idea!

19. Hagrid: Squad 7

Hagrid is giant and kind. I think he and Komamura would be good friends.

Hagrid: Uh, captain? Do you think you could stop digging up my garden?

Komamura: My apolgoies.

Komamura: Instincts, you know.

20. Trelawney: Squad 9

Mostly I think it would be funny.

Trelawney: I see…death and destruction in your futures.

Hisagi: Wow!

Kensei: We’re soul reapers, Hisagi.

Trelawney: And something else…the number…9? And 6?

Hisagi: Whoa!

Kensei: Hisagi it’s on your face.

As requested by anon. :)

I don’t think Yachiru and Hanataro have officially met, in canon. But that doesn’t mean they shouldn’t be friends! After all…

1. They are both tiny.

Most of the gentlemen soul reapers are giant hulking men like Kenpachi or Renji. But not Hanataro. He is…tiny. The lady soul reapers are…not giant and hulking, but Yachiru is still one of the smallest! And small people should hang out. They can buy tiny clothes together. And go on the kids’ rides at amusement parks. And try to sneak into movies by standing on each other’s shoulders.

2. They are both young.

Or at least young-looking. They both must be several hundred years old. But they certainly look like small children. I’m pretty sure that means they should hang out.

3. They both like sweets.

Yachiru seems to subsist on a diet that is 99.99% candy. We haven’t seen as much of Hanataro’s sweet tooth, but there was that filler episode when he helped make a cake, so I’m pretty sure that counts. Plus, Hanataro just seems like someone who would like candy. So Yachiru and Hanataro should go to a candy shop together, buy a giant bag of candy, and then eat the whole thing. (Probably Yachiru will eat most of it.)

4. They both went to Hueco Mundo, not Fake Karakura Town.

Hanataro and Yachiru are both part of the exclusive club of people who went to Hueco Mundo to help Ichigo rather than to fake Karakura Town to fight Aizen. Which matters because I imagine that the FKT people have their own cliques and lingo and inside jokes after spending 1900 episodes in the FKT fight. Also Hanataro and Yachiru are among the only people who understand how much it sucks when your world is entirely made of sand. Or so I imagine. Anyway. They can talk.

5. They can talk about Unohana.

They can also chat about Unohana. Since she is Hanataro’s captain and Yachiru’s namesake. They can swap their favorite Unohana stories and hopefully go shopping for a “You didn’t die after all!” cake for her. Soon.

6. Hanataro needs some fun in his life.

Hanataro has…well, kinda a sad life. Being in Squad 4. AKA the squad that has to do everyone’s dirty work while not getting any thanks or recognition for it. I bet with Yachiru as his friend, he would go on fun adventures and eat fun candy and finally see the inside of Byakuya’s mansion. All of those fun things.

7. Yachiru likes to mess with people.

Plus, Yachiru likes to mess with people. You know, in an endearing way. And Hanataro would be good for that because, um, he’s used to it?

8. Hanataro likes stories.

Hanataro used to love to sit and listen to Rukia telling him stories. And I bet Yachiru has some great stories too. Mostly about watching Kenpachi kill people and/or ruining Byakuya’s life, but still. I bet she tells them well. And Hanataro can tell her about the world of the living!

9. Squad 11 always needs more healers.

Also, all members of Squad 11 should cultivate friendships with Squad 4 healers. Because, you know, they get injured all the time. Yet for some reason Squad 11 is super mean to Squad 4 usually. Maybe a good Yachiru / Hanataro friendship could change that! But probably not.

10. They are both super adorable.

I mean, come on. How adorable would it be if Yachiru and Hanataro hung out? I bet Yachiru would make him wear cat ears!

As requested by 4theluvofichimaru. :)

Well, we are working our way through Squad 0! Lat week we had Hikifune, and now it’s Shutara’s turn. So, Bleach characters, fans ship you with the many-armed, instrument-playing captain of Squad 0. How do you respond?

Nnoitra: YES PLEASE!

Nnoitra: …

Nnoitra: Wait a fucking minute! Ignore that, shinigami lady. Obviously being dead for so long is starting to mess with my head! I don’t even know why I said a fucking ridiculous thing like that!

Shutara: …

Shutara: Oh dear. I dropped something. I’m going to have to…bend over. And pick it up. With ALL of these ARMS…

Nnoitra: DAMN YOU

Rose: I do love a woman who can play multiple instruments at once.

Rose: I wonder if SHE needs a blonde muse…

Aizen: She called me the “personification of evil.”

Gin: Wow, Captain Aizen! You’re totally in - you should go for it!

Aizen: …that’s not a flirtatious comment, Gin.

Gin: It’s not?

Gin: Man, I need to reevaluate my life.

Kurotsuchi: No woman who breaks into my lab is welcome in my life!

Shutara: I told you I didn’t “break” in. That implies it was hard.

Kurotsuchi: OUR SECURITY HAS GOTTEN BETTER!

Unohana: That woman stole my patients. I wish to kill her.

Kenpachi: Geez, woman. You met her once.

Unohana: I’m allowed to have a crush.

Urahara: Mechanical arms ARE one of my biggest turn-ons!

Yoruichi: …

Urahara: What? They’re nifty.

Ichigo: So am I the only one who thought she looked like a giant spider?

Shutara: What was it that tipped you off? The many arms or my emphasis on weaving?

Ichigo: Spider is the look you’re going for??

Shutara: Yes. I am a sexy, bug-themed, many-armed woman with a half moon crown. And oh dear! I just keep dropping things.

Nnoitra: …

Nnoitra: FOR THE LOVE OF SAND, WOMAN!

“Captains good to bad” requested by anon. :)

I’m not actually sure whether this requester was talking “good to bad” in terms of ability or morality. But I’m gonna go with morality. Because. So let’s consider: if the captains were arranged from most good to most evil, what might the order be? Starting with good!

#1: Komamura

I’ve probably talked too much already about how wonderful Komamura is. But I’ll say it again: he’s wonderful. Supportive, well-intentioned, brave, noble, and fuzzy.

Komamura: Fuzzy?

Iba: She has a point, sir. No one as cute and fluffy as you could possibly be evil!

#2: Kensei

Kensei may be grumpy, and he may shout a lot, and he may be cool with punching an arrancar child to death, but he still seems like a decent guy, over all. He cares a lot about his job and his subordinates, and he’s always there to protect the people he cares about.

Hisagi: Like me!

Mashiro: Idiot! She was talking about me! He didn’t even know you when he rescued you!

Hisagi: He could rescue me now! I get in trouble a lot!

Kensei: Yeah, putting up with these guys means I’m basically a saint.

#3: Rose

Rose has never, to my knowledge, done anything cruel or sadistic. I mean, he’s a little sarcastic sometimes, but there’s nothing wrong with that. I don’t know why I headcanon him as being a little on the sadistic side, but I do.

Rose: Is it the tortured genius thing?

Kira: That and you wouldn’t be in Squad 3 if you were well-adjusted, captain.

#4: Hitsugaya

Hitsugaya is mostly a good person, and he cares a whole lot about the rules. And when he stabs his friends, it’s always accidental. But he can also go into a murderous rage in which he wants to “violently kill” Aizen. So the boy has a bit of a dark side.

Hitsugaya: Oh come on, it’s Aizen! That barely counts!

BLG: Yeah and you’re only #4. Geez.

#5: Byakuya

Byakuya always does what’s right according to his own inner moral compass. Unfortunately this sometimes involves trying to kill his sister. Or just not looking at her for a couple dozen years. Which maybe doesn’t qualify as evil. But it’s certainly not nice.

Byakuya: I did apologize.

BLG: Which is great! But doesn’t exactly erase everything.

#6: Ukitake

Ukitake seems like the sweetest captain around (except for Komamura). But he is friends with Kyoraku, Mr. Sadistic-Pants. And I may be crazy, but I’m expecting that Ukitake will turn out to have a bit of a dark side. He did lie about the soul reaper badge.

Kyoraku: Mr. Sadistic-Pants?

Ukitake: I know! What kind of nickname is that? You don’t even wear pants!

#7: Kenpachi

Kenpachi likes to kill people. He doesn’t seem sadistic about it or anything. And really he leaves his victims alive 99% of the time. But sill. There’s a lot of killing in his past. And probably in his future too.

Kenpachi: I can only hope so!

Kenpachi: What?

#8: Shinji

Shinji, like Aizen and Urahara, is an evil genius. Or so I assume.

Shinji: Is it just me or is this list mostly headcanon?

Unohana: BLG did call me. And Ishida.

Shinji: Yes but she writes closet pscyhopath lists about everyone. So does that really count?

Ishida: I’M NOT EVIL

#9: Kyoraku

You have only to watch the Starrk fight to see how sadistic Kyoraku really is - and how bone-chillingly scary. Plus he has a bankai he can’t release in public. Basically, Kyoraku, like Unohana, definitely has a killer inside that he is trying to suppress at all times.

Kyoraku: But I have a pink kimono! How could I be evil?

Ukitake: Mr. Sadistic-Kimono! That’s what she should have called you!

Kyoraku: Not helping, Ukitake.

Ukitake: S-sorry!

#10: Soi Fon

Soi Fon once tried to crush Kiyone’s windpipe with her foot. Also she let the Ggio fight drag on so that she could study him. And she tried to kill Yoruichi. But mostly this is about the “crushing windpipe with foot” thing.

Soi Fon: Well she’d been naughty!

Soi Fon: I am commander of the punishment squad you know!

#11: Unohana

Unohana used to be the most notorious criminal Soul Society had ever seen. Presumably of the serial killer variety. Then she became a captain. So that she could keep on killing people. Unohana is one scary lady.

Unohana: I try.

#12: Kurotsuchi

But Kurotsuchi is the most evil. I just published a list about this, so I shouldn’t go on about it now. But if you didn’t see that list, then just close your eyes and picture anything Kurotsuchi has ever done. I think we’ll be on the same page.

Kurotsuchi: …

Kurotsuchi: I’m pretty sure I’m just misunderstood.

As requested by anon. :)

This is going to be a very hard list to write. Because I just have too many things to say. How will I narrow it down to 10?! Because let’s face it, if not for the fact that he’s technically on the good side, Kurotsuchi would be the most sadistic evil villain ever. As it is, he’s the most sadistic evil good guy around! So let’s consider what makes Kurotsuchi Kurotsuchi.

1. He tortured Ishida’s grandfather to death.

I’m gonna start with this one, because I still haven’t gotten over it. Kurotsuchi tortured Ishida’s grandfather to death. First he delayed rescue when Ishida’s grandfather got attacked by giant hollows, so that little Ishida had to watch his grandfather die - or so he thought. But no! Actually Kurotsuchi captured Soken alive, took him back to Soul Society, and then tortured him to death. And then Kurotsuchi apparently started carrying around a picture of Soken. A picture he took when Soken “no longer retained his form.” And then he showed it to Ishida. Because he is, well, kinda extremely evil.

2. He turned his squad members into human bombs.

And it’s not like Kurotsuchi just acts that way with Soul Society’s “enemies.” He has a cavalier disregard for anyone’s life - especially if it’s people he considers his own possessions. Like his squad members - you know, the ones he turned into human bombs in an attempt to kill Orihime and Ishida. Including Strangely Handsome Squad 12 guy, who screamed and asked Kurotsuchi why he was doing this to them. I’m sorry, Strangely Handsome Squad 12 guy. That’s just what your captain is like.

3. The way he treats Nemu.

But of all the things Kurotsuchi does, the one that gets me the most is the way he treats Nemu. You know, the constant physical and verbal abuse. Not only does he constantly insult her and demean her, but he’s always sacrificing her to get the jump on his opponents. In fight with Ishida, Nemu grabbed the Quincy so that her captain her stab him - and also her. He then got mad and stomped on her when she asked later if she could maybe have the antidote. Plus there was the Szayel fight later. When Kurotsuchi let Nemu get eaten - since after all there was a poison in her blood because of course there was.

4. He’s cool with hurting his allies.

Basically, Kurotsuchi is just really okay with hurting his allies. And not just his own squad members, either. He seriously considers shutting Ichigo and Unohana in the garganta forever, just because. He wishes aloud that Kenpachi and Byakuya might die in the Yammy fight so that he can dissect them. I’m fairly certain that if the entire Gotei-13 were killed, Kurotsuchi would think it Christmas.

5. His shikai.

Also, let’s not forget that his shikai contains a poison that paralyzes its victim but leaves their nerves intact so that the person can still feel everything. And by “everything” I mean pain. Intense pain while Kurotsuchi tortures them. And this is the power produced by Kurotsuchi’s soul - a power that renders its victims helpless so that Kurotsuchi can hurt them. Yes.

6. His bankai.

And his bankai is a horrible caterpillar baby monster that shoots poisonous spikes out of its chest and breathes poison. That is not the bankai of a well-adjusted guy.

7. He was in the Maggot’s Nest.

We don’t know yet why Kurotsuchi got himself thrown in the Maggot’s Nest, although I imagine we will find out eventually. I assume it’s because somebody noticed that he was both very smart and very sadistic. I mean, he was the only guy who had his own private cell. Because he was just that dangerous. And now he’s a captain. Keep on being you, Soul Society.

8. The way he killed Szayel.

Speaking of horrible things, I think by far the worst death on Bleach belongs to Szayel. Kurotsuchi gave him a death that lasted, from his perspective, thousands of years. Thousands of horrible, mind-numbing, unable-to-move, scary, agonizing years. I mean, Szayel was no cuddly kitten himself, but I don’t think he deserved that.

9. The way he views the world - and himself.

Basically, I think Kurotsuchi just sees the whole world the way he sees himself. He’s quite cavalier with his own body - he loses limbs and regrows them, removes his own ear to fight with it, turns to goo and reconstitutes himself - his body is something that can be taken apart and put back together and if he feels pain he doesn’t show it. And Kurotsuchi, unfortunately, seems to think the entire world works like that - all people are puzzles waiting to be dissected.

10. The way he spoke to Orihime.

And I don’t know. Do we need more of this? Maybe. We should have 10. So I’m just gonna leave this thing here, that Kurotsuchi once said to Orihime:

“If you work for me, I’ll treat you well. In case you are worried, I am really gentle with female subjects. How about this? I’ll give you top class special treatment. I’ll only drug you eight times a day and only four hours of machine operations a day. You will eat with your mouth and when you sleep, I’ll give you clothes. And I’ll stay away from any life-threatening operations if I operate on you. How about it? This is a special offer that I’ve never offered to any test subject before.”

As requested by mioboe. :)

Because maybe I already talked about what the Visored did in exile, but there’s still room to talk about what else they did in exile. Like all those odd jobs they had to take in order to make ends meet. Things like…

1. Shinji: Stamp licker and hand model

The stamp licking is tricky because of his tongue ring. But he’s been told that his hand modeling career is going to go far.

Shinji: Although ever since I started dreaming about licking my own hand, I’ve been wondering if I need to make a change.

2. Hiyori: Ball tester and newspaper delivery girl

She likes to kick things - like footballs and soccer balls and all kinds of balls. She does less well with the newspaper delivery. Because she keeps breaking windows.

Hiyori: if people don’t want me break their windows, then they shouldn’t live so close to the street!!!

3. Hachigen: Party magician and professional hugger

He does very well at kids’ birthday parties, as a magician. The hugging thing isn’t exactly a real job. But he has found that if he stands at a street corner and offers hugs, people will often tip him.

Hachigen: …Oh my god I’m a hug whore.

4. Rose: Street musician and perfume sprayer

He wants people to have the gift of music. And also of smelling good.

Rose: Actually I only care about the music part. Hiyori just kept shouting at me about getting a “real job.”

5. Love: Lifeguard and singing telegram

Because Rose isn’t the only visored who has musical talent.

Love: I just wish people would stop trying to break up with each other via song. That really doesn’t make it better! Especially when your singing telegram is named Love!

6. Mashiro: Dog walker and bike messenger

But not at the same time - at least, not since the unfortunate day she delivered a package to a man with 19 cats.

Mashiro: But at least the dogs had the best day ever!

7. Kensei: Pool cleaner and cable guy

It doesn’t get him as much sex as he expected.

Kensei: Maybe porn isn’t good for life advice.

8. Lisa: Adult bookstore cashier and competitive eater

She can eat more hot dogs than you might expect.

Lisa: I never discuss one job at the other, though. Leads to awkwardness.

As requested by anon. :)

Renji: Whelp. Nothing to do now but hope they’re into kinky threesomes.

Orihime: Or be happy for them?

Renji: I’m hoping to be happy with them!

Orihime: …

Renji: Sorry I make bad jokes when I’m really really really depressed.

Kukaku: Fuck yeah a Kuchiki / Shiba marriage!

Kukaku: We Shibas are coming back, baby!

Byakuya: Rukia, I cannot fault you for marrying a peasant who is going to make our entire clan froth at the mouth with rage. I’ve been there.

Byakuya: Although for the record my peasant wasn’t also a living hollow-Quincy who loses his powers every hundred chapters.

Byakuya: So I’m not…thrilled.

Rukia: But he makes me happy, Nii-sama.

Byakuya: I know, Rukia. I know.

Ishida: So I’m still invited to the wedding, right?

Chad: I hope Ichigo isn’t planning to move to Soul Society.

Chad: He will never get his degree.

Aizen: All of those sexy espada I threw at Kurosaki Ichigo, and he STILL goes for the shinigami?

Gin: I guess you’re not the shipper you thought you were, Aizen.

Tatsuki: Wow. Ichigo married. I can’t believe he had the balls to propose!

Mizuiro: I think we both know that Kuchiki proposed to him.

Isshin: Aw, marriage! It reminds me of how your mom and I got married, Ichigo! 

Isshin: I’ll tell you about it sometime! Later. Much, much later.

Ichigo: WHY DO YOU DO THAT?

Isshin: It’s just how I roll.

Juha Bach: Ichigo, as your great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great grandfather, I must object to you, a Quincy, marrying a shinigami.

Ichigo: That’s okay. I’m planning to defeat and kill you before the wedding anyway.

Juha Bach: …

Juha Bach: I guess I’ll just return this waffle iron then.

Ganju: My cousin, getting married! I’m gonna be best man, right, Ichigo?

Ichigo: …

Ichigo: That depends on why Bonnie is wearing a dress.

Ganju: What? Is she NOT going to be one of the bridesmaids?

Ichigo: Dude, are you really asking me to -

Rukia: OH MY GOD THAT BOAR IS WEARING A DRESS THAT IS THE CUTEST THING I’VE SEEN EVER!

Rukia: Looks like I found my flower girl!

Ichigo: …

Ichigo: This wedding is going to be strange.